I write because that is how I can express myself authentically. It’s my way of communicating what I have to say and give, and contribute in a way that is true and honest for me.
Never put me on the spot for my opinion, or ideas, or thoughts on anything really. Because unless it is about something that I already have spent a lot of time pondering on, I won’t be able to give you my true, authentic response. My brain and feelings just don’t work that fast.
It is tiring for me. It isn’t energetically efficient. But it is hardwired into me.
I used to think I was weird, different, unlike anyone else I knew. Other people were great at offering support through spoken words. I began to think that I wasn’t good at caring, or saying the right thing. Was I really that different from everyone else? Was I really harsh, insensitive or indifferent?
It was just that I needed time to process the information and figure out how I really felt about it. The last thing I ever want to do is say something I don’t mean, or that doesn’t reflect how deeply I truly feel about something.
I first need to work out how I feel. And that takes time.
But in the meantime, while I figure out how I feel, I don’t judge, blame or dismiss what another person is feeling or saying. I hold space for them until either they work out how they feel, or what they want to do, or I have caught up and can offer some food for thought.
Even then, I am not opinionated. I never tell anyone how to solve their problems. They need to work out how they feel and make decisions based on what is right for them.
That’s a big thing for me. I simply want people to feel good about the decisions they make, or at least feel like they have made the right decision (which doesn’t always been it feels good, as often it doesn’t).
It’s a tough gig being such an introvert (INFP particularly). When an outsider can only see a calm, expressionless, un-interactive robot (I mean person), they think everything is fine and dandy within them (or that they don’t give a crap about the people in their lives).
It seems I appear this way when a). I have some amazing ideas swimming around/daydreaming, b.) I am severely stressed and anxious about something or c.) I am worried about the well being of another person.
In all of these scenarios, I am dead quiet and have a poker face (perhaps I should play poker). Those nearest to me know when something is up, but they can often think something is up even when I am just daydreaming about my book.
But underneath, the calm, tuned-out, indifferent exterior, there is a storm of emotions, a depth of imagination, and alternate reality even.
I can even function in my day to day life, interact, get things done, whilst swept up in my internal world.
Now I have reconnected with my innate desire to write and share my inner world, my thoughts and ideas, I feel a sense of finally understanding myself. I feel in touch and on-purpose. I am finally bringing my inner world and outer world together to merge and to see where it takes me.
It is like I can finally stop pushing away and fighting my daydream lifestyle. I can finally harness it and let it flow out of me. It feels so much better not being stuck inside circulating around and around and bringing my energy down.
I can finally stop feeling like I am lazy or that I must be in my fantasy world because I am unhappy with my reality. I admit that there are plenty of areas in my reality that I want to focus on more, and nurture, but I am finding I can focus on these areas now I am not fighting my creative side.
It’s like a burden has been lifted. I can finally accept who I am. I didn’t even know I hadn’t accepted myself. But I can see it clearly now.
I suppose I am finally down to this layer of my self development journey. I have spent a few years peeling away the layers of paint, revealing who I am deep down.
The things that don’t matter so much are beginning to fall away and I can laser focus on my truth.
I know myself enough to realise that my focus shifts around. I can never seem to settle on an idea or project. I start them and lose interest. Apparently it is my nature. But I want to see this as a positive thing. The more I try different things the more I know how I feel about them, and add it to my experience. I used to see it as wasting time or a giver-upperer.
Above all, I feel I finally see myself as a complete person who has something positive to contribute to the world.