As part of a self-development project I have self imposed on myself (you can read more here), I am experimenting and exploring my surroundings through learning new skills and dabbling in the kitchen.
I am a week or so in, and feel amazing. I will be sharing my mini projects along the way. It is particular tiring and challenging to dabble in the outer world for me because 1. I am an introvert and outer world equals exhausting, and 2. I have a progressive disability that affects the motor and sensory nerves in my hands and feet, which also equals exhausting.
But feel this project/challenge/whatever it is I am doing, is perfect for me. As I am losing skills and abilities, I have an opportunity to develop other skills and abilities.
Six months ago I felt angry and disappointed that I was losing function, and that I had to let go of activities, activities of just living, as well as the activities I did for enjoyment. I felt that my future held nothing for me. I felt that I couldn’t try the things I wanted to because I wouldn’t be able to.
I even started to wonder what would I even do if I could do anything I wanted. It seemed I had locked out or sqaushed down any curiosity I may have had for the outside world. I stopped thinking about what I wanted so well that I didn’t know what I wanted to do or experience. I lost a part of myself.
But I am back on track. My only plan is to just keep trying things, exploring my surroundings, giving this a try, seeing how I feel about it, not caring if it is a fail (it’s never really a fail), going with my urges to create, not worrying if it doesn’t make sense, and then documenting my journey here.
Thinking about it, I feel that it was just a permission thing from myself. Permission to allow myself to go with the pull and tug of my heart. I worry about about contradicting myself with being able to do something one day, and then not being able to do it another day (like if I am super tired or my hands are playing up worse). But I need to let that go and not worry.
Part of me is also relieved to have found a non-disability related motivation to try to new things and learn new skills. So much of my life and schedule revolves around having a disability, and maintaining health and function, and I don’t feel as creative or empowered when I am coming from that angle. Having a holistic, whole person approach (via working on my whole self development), is a good distraction from having a disability, and means I am focusing on growth not loss.