Who am I to ignore myself? That inner, deep down self? Who am I to hide the real me, and show the world someone I am not, or just a tiny part of me? Why would I think that others want me to pretend to be someone I am not? Why wouldn’t they want to meet and know the real me?
I was laying in bed the other night and a thought came to me. I was thinking about a friend and how she makes decisions and shows up in a certain way based on what she thinks other people will make of her. It’s subconscious, she is unaware it’s happening, but she spends a lot of energy worrying about what others think of her.
A few realisations occurred to me.
- Why do we hold other people’s view of us so high that we ignore our own heart’s desire?
- Why do we ignore what we truly want?
- Why do we believe that our loved ones don’t want us to be truly happy and be our true selves?
- Life is precious and we take it for granted. I don’t think we realise how important it is to live a life true to us.
I have read so many stories of how not living your truth eats you away on the inside. It dulls your spark. It means you are not living your life in a fulfilling way.
It is hard though, isn’t it? I am no expert here. I mean, this blog is anonymous and I am so frightened to share it with anyone I know. Just the mere thought of my family reading it makes me get all hot and anxious. Shame creeps in. Embarrassment. I want to run and hide.
Unlike my friend, who shows up in a certain way and projects a certain image, I just hide. I don’t show up in an inauthentic way as such, I just don’t show up at all. I hide.
I think for me I always thought I was a quitter. I would get interested in something and then give it a little go, then move onto something else of interest. I didn’t want to share with anyone what I liked or what I thought about trying because I felt like they would think I couldn’t stick to something, and I thought that was a weakness.
Now I know that is a part of me that is a strength, and it is the way I learn information and how I work out how I feel about an activity or thing.
I think that is why I have had a hard time deciding on anything. I would try so hard to work it all out (if it is a good idea or if it is something I truly want) prior to investing time, energy, money into it, because (let’s face it), I have issues around wasting those resources. It means I spend way longer in my head going over it, when all I need to do is simply try it, or experience it. Then I can stop thinking about it, because I know how I feel about it.
So I suppose, understanding that there is nothing wrong with me, that there are others out there like me, it gives me permission (yes I needed external permission), to step into my actual, true self and just be me.
It means that I can stay in my own lane and know I am on the right track.
I am okay with not having a lot of energy. I have a better idea where my energy leaks are and what fulfils me. I have a better idea of when I am showing up defensively or when I am behaving in a way that isn’t benefiting me. I have more self-love and self-acceptance more than ever before. I feel more positive and more me than I can remember.
It’s helping me see that I don’t have to be like other parents, or women my age.
It means I can invest my energy and personal growth where it will have the biggest and most positive impact on those around me.
My goal? Joy, happiness and fulfilment.