I haven’t blogged for a little while (I am learning to honour this cyclical nature of my creativity), but here I am – called to express myself again.
When I opened up the blank document to write this blog I didn’t intend to write about my year in review or a look forward into 2020.
But that’s what ended up happening…
It is this time every year that I am bombarded online with “yearly reflections” and new year “goals”, “intentions”, and “words to aspire to”.
And it is all wonderful. But I never felt good at it. It seems that my urge to reflect or visualise my future doesn’t always fall in line with the new year. Plus for me I feel into the reflection and putting words to it is a challenge.
But I’ll try.
For me going into a new decade, I am actually feeling relaxed, free and curious. I don’t have any “goals” I am working towards, and if I am honest I gave up on setting goals a long time ago. I always felt restricted and trapped if I set goals (and I like to feel free and spacious).
This time last year, I went into 2019 deciding to let go of what blogging “should” look like, what social media feeds “should” look like, and I wanted to feel more present with my family and focus on our health.
2019 brought some ups and downs.
I stepped away from social media with the intention of focusing on my family and relationships, but it seemed that I really needed to go within and look at my relationship with myself
The first half of the year I felt a lot of anger and resentment around how unfair it felt to “not be able to interact with the world the way I wanted to”, and that I would never reach what my potential would be if I didn’t have the condition I have.
My disease (Charcot Marie Tooth Disease) felt like it was getting worse.
My body hurt. I was so tired. I cried a lot. I felt hopelessness for the first time.
Then I started seeing a counsellor who is understanding, inspiring and motivating. I decided to make my NDIS plan work for me in a way that made my daily life more easeful and supportive. I’ve called in two amazing ladies that help me around my home and exercising. Their personalities are in alignment with me (and each other) and I have realised that it is very important what energy you allow into your home space.
With their help, I have now been regularly doing my stretches and strength training (i.e. my Physiotherapy exercises) for at least 12 weeks straight (which is the most consistent I have ever been).
In 2019 I had my first Reiki session, Kinesiology session, I learned to crochet, drew a few pictures (and got into my kids water colour paints), found new podcasts to love and books to read. All fun things.
In the lead up to 2020
As Christmas approached and school finished up for the year, I felt a bit urge to declutter my home.
In a fairly recent blog I shared my organising session for my home office space which you can read here.
But that was less about decluttering and more about organising.
An urge to declutter usually comes to me around every six months or so where I declutter and donate clothes from my wardrobe and that’s about it.
But this time felt different. I felt ready to let go of things I never imagined.
I have read about and seen on social media people talking about how they throw out, purge, burn their old journals. For them they didn’t feel a need to hold onto the past and want to focus on looking toward the future. It made sense to me but I never truly understood it or felt a desire to let go of my journals.
I always felt that it was a record of how I was feeling, what I was going through and they would make good reference material to see where I had been and where I am now.
But a strange “aha” came over me when I saw the pile of journals on the wardrobe floor. I looked at them and felt a feeling come over me that said “I don’t need these anymore”. I no longer felt attached to them or the person within them.
It was weird for me to feel this way, but I liked it. Freedom. Spaciousness (feelings I desire to feel). And so into the recycling bin they went.
Donating my novels and books
Then I walked past my bookshelf and realised that I no longer needed to hold onto the majority of those either. I donated them and again I felt free. I have never donated a book in my life, and I never planned to.
I have read and heard and watched videos sharing how “freeing” it is to no longer hold onto clutter. It never resonated. But now it does.
I feel that going into 2020 I am in a place where I want to look forward and create new habits, step into the person I want to be, and allow the new and exiting into my life. I feel that I am in place within myself where I don’t feel attached to a lot of my material belongings.
Of course I have things (lot’s still) that mean the world to me and make me feel good inside. I am not aiming to be minimalist. I just feel that something has shifted within me as I never in a million years imagined I would say goodbye to journals and almost all of my books.
Going into 2020
As I mentioned in the beginning of the blog, I wanted to put a lot of my attention and energy on my family and relationships in 2019, but I needed to heal my relationship with myself. And I feel I made a lot of breakthroughs (I know there is more work to do but I am in a good place).
I am really excited to see how 2020 unfolds. I am starting the year feeling positive. I feel this year will have a focus on learning (I will be doing my dream course in May this year – more to come later), educating myself on a number of lifestyle and technology issues to help me make the best choices for my family, creative expression (without putting pressure on myself), including more plants in my diet (because I have started doing this and I feel good), make time to fall in love with Yoga again.
I feel this year will see some big shifts in my family life. My girls will turn 10 and 8 so I am sure the dynamic and activities will alter and change.
This year will be the year I “hack” my sleep. We have a new mattress (King size) coming in February and I have my Blublox (blue light blocking) glasses in action as well as an eye mask from the same company.
I am excited to see how the year unfolds. I am curious, excited and ready to navigate and create a life:
- Full of compassion, and self-love.
- Open to ideas and information.
- With open ears and an open heart.
- Where I make time for creativity.
- Keeping in mind my responsibility and impact of the choices I make (e.g. how am I contributing to the environment?).
Ultimately, I am looking to create a year (and life) led by my values, my heart, my truth.